Loneliness: A Corona State Of Siege

Dave R 11th July 2020

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty”

Mother Teresa

Those weeks from December, until the first spring bulbs poke their heads above the ground and the March winds blow scudding clouds across the sky to reveal the sun again, can be a trying time for those living alone with chronic conditions like neuropathy, cancer, HIV and many others. It’s a make or break time for many. They know that once again they have to get through the pains of the holidays and the claustrophobic jolliness that seems to take over the Western world. Often it’s a question of nailing down the hatches and retreating into a sort of hibernation, until the Hallmark peace, love and partying subsides again. Many sit resigned behind their potted orchids on the windowsill and attempt to force down the rising lump in their throats, while longing to join the rest of society rushing to the madness in the malls, or visiting each other’s houses for family gatherings and parties. They ‘sit and watch as time goes by’ as Marianne Faithful once sang but are trapped in a bubble of misery because they can’t or won’t make the effort to join in and aren’t wanted if they do. It’s a growing problem among people living with long-lasting illness; either because their friends have drifted away through death or disinterest, or because they feel trapped by stigma, a lack of attractiveness or desirability, or are lamed by pain or illness. The world doesn’t understand them and they have lost all understanding and faith in the world they once knew and could shine in.

And then came Corona, isolation, quarantine and  shielding to compound the problem!!

With the nightmarish spread of yet another invisible virus, the whole world has had to learn to live with social isolation, fear and a new form of loneliness. For them it’s new and alarming but in a way, people already living with serious illness are maybe perversely, the best prepared of all of us. They’ve already learned what social isolation is. Yes, we now have digital contact (some would say…too much of it…) but nothing can replace a warm hug from a loved one can it? Can those long-term sufferers be forgiven for feeling a little guilty smugness? Now you all know what we’ve felt like for years! But this doesn’t mean that we’re heading towards a whole new world order, full of compassion and understanding…ask those leaders who’d cheerfully throw us all under the bus again to restore the economy and their business portfolios. They’re by no means alone. Here in The Netherlands, they’re already openly talking about how the needs of the elderly and chronic sick, have to be measured up against the restoration of a healthy economy in the future and that bitter pill just reinforces why profits and the market are the only priorities for many people and push the weakest in our society into a new and reinforced lonely corner.

Loneliness is like a paralysis.

 

The more alone you feel, the less able you are to navigate the social currents that other people take for granted. It’s like a fungus, or mould that creeps up onto your social skills and interactions before you realise it. It forms a barrier to contact because you’re more acutely aware of your ‘disease’ than ever. Loneliness perpetuates itself. The longer you’re cut off from social interaction, the more insidious and all-embracing it becomes. In the end, loneliness itself becomes a security blanket and it feels safer to be wrapped up in it than to venture out into the cold, hard world of social contact.

I know many of you secretly long for a day on your own at Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or Chanukah or Diwali, or whatever but doesn't everybody agree that being dateless, friendless and lonely at periods of national rejoicing, is the WORST feeling in the world?

It’s not just a problem for the chronically sick of course and neither is it confined to people living with serious conditions within their own community. Apparently one in five people who visit the doctor in the UK, are not physically ill but just want the company and someone with a bedside manner to listen to their life. All sorts of illnesses are imagined to disguise the shame of admitting loneliness. Doctors are at their wits end. In a climate where they have to account for every minute of their time and Corona has forced them into solely digital contact with their patients, they’re finding that social work is accounting for 20% of their work load. It’s not that they don’t want to help. In times past, a home doctor would see providing psychological support as being integral to the job but these days the cold hearted accountants who run and manage health services, see lonely people without ‘real’ illness as being a drain on the system. Doctors end up either turning people away or acting as unpaid therapists and see it as a growing societal problem without any end in sight. It’s perhaps not surprising that this phenomenon shows itself most clearly during the winter months but now it is reinforced by Corona, which has thrown everybody into a state of isolation one way or the other. No wonder the world is confused, divided and frightened – care structures have been tipped over and if you were already lonely from one serious condition, now you’re being pushed even further down the ladder – Corona (rightly or wrongly) comes first!

“People who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about” Anton Chekov

Meanwhile many older people with chronic, long term illnesses have frequently been indecently rejected by employers, friends and family and left to fend for themselves…it’s a fact world, we can’t gloss over it with platitudes. Their medication keeps them alive but the quality of their lives has been reduced to living alone, on a reduced income, often with reduced health and an spiralling feeling that there’s no place for them in a hectic, modern and frequently digital, society. It’s a vicious circle, in which that individual becomes more and more isolated, suspicious and withdrawn.

However, it’s also wrong to suppose that all these people are living entirely on their own and this is where loneliness as a generation issue becomes less relevant. The lonely can be found in every age group and in every social situation. On the dance floor, the dinner table, the local community groups, hobbies and clubs… chronic, long term illness doesn’t discriminate in terms of the age of its victims but it’s a remarkably effective separator of a normally vital human being from his or her peers. 

 

So what do people do? It’s often a choice between two evils: staying at home and building a life around the TV and the Internet; or deliberately searching out places where people go just for the feeling of having other people around you. In shops, you can normally mingle and feel part of a crowd and even chat to assistants or other shoppers but it’s often so superficial it can end up exaggerating the feeling of isolation. And once again…then came Covid-19 and enforced social distancing and the barriers to contact!!

If they’ve got the energy, some people throw themselves into social media; into meaningless digital encounters that provide fleeting psychological warmth without having to say much at all. If they leave the house, you can see them sitting in the corners of cafes, watching from a distance in the hope that someone will come and sit down beside them. They’re also anonymous dark shadows in the dark corners of society, hanging around in the hope of scoring a contact, however shallow and superficial that may be. Unfortunately, sitting alone in a burger bar, unless you have a fantastic aura, is more likely to send out signals that result in rejection than attraction. But mainly, there’s nothing more unattractive than desperation. And again…corona has fixed their situations in stone!

The internet is possibly the worst possible invention for lonely people and unhappy people peering hopefully from behind a thumbnail profile picture are quickly identified and dismissed. The internet is largely safe but frustrating and you begin to long for the next ‘visit’ to your profile but they rarely result in real life meetings.

Even if you have a group of friends for whom you mask your loneliness with Oscar quality acting; their clapping you on the back and applause at what a great life you have, can make you long for that one friend who can intuitively see behind the mask and see what a mess you really are.

Similarly, drink and drugs, smoking, over eating and the TV, are well-known refuges for the lonely. They’re anaesthetics for the soul but so, so dangerous and even more alienating for the remnants of your friends circle.

However, it’s wrong to assume that lonely people are suicides waiting to happen. Unfortunately for some, the cycle goes on too long and ends up with such unhappiness and lack of self-worth that they end up taking their own lives but most people become lonely and stay lonely without ever becoming suicidal. They want to escape the spiral and want to return to the social fold and be the people they once were but either exhaustion, or illness, or constant rejection force them back into introverted sadness. Loneliness breeds loneliness and sometimes the more you try to pull yourself out of it the more you’re sucked into its quicksand.

So what can we do about it?

First of all, if and when the virus disappears and your life becomes a whirl of social engagements, family gatherings and you begin to overdose on feast and fun, remember that hundreds of thousands of people are out there on the streets, in their homes and even among your own circles and they’re dying inside for want of a cuddle, either physical or emotional…and even digital. 

They’re not going to come to you, so it’s a question of summoning up the will power to do something, however small. It’s possible that you already know someone in that situation so just letting them know that you’re there if needed will work wonders. You can’t adopt a lonely person – like dogs, they’re not just for Christmas… and if the very best you can do is think about them, then maybe the opportunity will come at a later date to be a meaningful part of someone’s life. They’re not a project and you can’t rush in like an emotional bulldozer determined to sweep their woes away. You’ve got to be subtle and sensitive and above all committed. You may be rejected; they may be rude to you, or aggressive and you’ll need to know when to butt out but they still need you, even if it’s only a phone call, a text or an e-mail away. Lonely people are not ‘Losers’ with a capital ‘L’ so please don’t label them that way, however easy that is to do. They may be older or younger, loneliness is like any other chronic condition; it doesn’t discriminate but a sympathetic ear can help restore someone’s self-worth…so long as you know!

You know the pleasure you get when a single snowflake falls on your tongue…that’s the pleasure brought by a touch on the shoulder, or a hand on your arm, telling you that someone really cares – its value can’t be overestimated.

I’d researched the facts and written another thousand words for this article but in the end, decided to ditch the lot (what you’ve just read is depressing enough!!). The problem is obvious and swathes of statistics and percentages will only make the reader glaze over. This article is also not autobiographical and this ‘sad, old git’ is not writing a cry for help but I have been there and know that many of you will have been there too. If your life is good right now, remember that thanks to the current virus, this year is exactly the opposite for so many others.

Clicking on the link below may open your eyes to how big a problem this is in modern society in general and a pandemic has hugely exaggerated the issue. Stats and percentages are there if you want them but we do lonely people a huge disservice if we reduce them to statistics alone.

The Lethality of Loneliness  http://www.newrepublic.com/article/113176/